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A Question That Came on a Good Day

Today a question suddenly appeared in my mind. It was actually a good day It’s a fasting month day even though i’m not fasting lol but the atmosphere still felt calm, soft, and warm.  This is my fifth day in a row (with him) together with no space in between, five days of constant presence.  And suddenly it becomes a good week <3 - I once heard people say that  “Love should never feel hard if it feels hard maybe it isn’t love.”  i kind of agree… or at least i want to. So when love starts to feel heavy, i always starting to questioning everything. Something small happened yesterday but it opened an old memory. Two years ago i asked my boyfriend for a plushie, just a plushie (or not 'just'). He couldn’t buy it for some reason and i get it why, soo i bought him one (so i wouldn’t feel guilty for asking) for proofing that not because couldn’t afford it, but because i wanted it to come from him. i wanted to feel chosen, not supplied. - Later, he told me that if i want ...
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How to put myself first?

These past few hours a small thing (maybe something that looks not important) keep follow me, it feel heavy inside me, like a shadow i cannot leave, the more i try to forget, the more it press me. 



This is about the sadness of being misunderstood, the pain when someone think bad of me, when someone judge me low, while me..  i never (not even one second) think bad about him. 

Behind all of this i was preparing something maybe simple (but for me it is big) a small surprise. that i build by saving money for months, by stopping myself from buying things, by holding my own wishes, only to make a holiday together with this person, a happiness i thought we can share 
:(

But how can i explain this hurt, when what he see in me is only suspicion, that i do everything just for myself but it is not true at all. 

At the end the truth hit me that we are not equal ; he look down on me while i put him too high, too high like i worship him. 

I feel angry and i feel disappointed to my self :(

What break me the most is ; i cannot find anger for him (not even a little) the only anger i have is for myself because i always put him above everything even before i learn how to put myself first.

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