A Question That Came on a Good Day

Today a question suddenly appeared in my mind.

It was actually a good day

It’s a fasting month day even though i’m not fasting lol but the atmosphere still felt calm, soft, and warm. 

This is my fifth day in a row (with him) together with no space in between, five days of constant presence. 

And suddenly it becomes a good week <3

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I once heard people say that “Love should never feel hard if it feels hard maybe it isn’t love.” i kind of agree… or at least i want to.

So when love starts to feel heavy, i always starting to questioning everything.

Something small happened yesterday but it opened an old memory.

Two years ago i asked my boyfriend for a plushie, just a plushie (or not 'just'). He couldn’t buy it for some reason and i get it why, soo i bought him one (so i wouldn’t feel guilty for asking) for proofing that not because couldn’t afford it, but because i wanted it to come from him. i wanted to feel chosen, not supplied.

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Later, he told me that if i want something, i should ask him directly so he can consider buying it someday <3 

So after years, I asked.

An orangutan plushie.

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Fyi we “adopted” (supported) an orangutan in Borneo named Onyer, but we don’t have any physical symbol of that, soo i thought… maybe this plushie could be ours, something small, soft, meaningful.

He didn’t really respond at first, not until the plushie became viral. 

(;little monkey punch and his orangutan plushie)

Then he agreed to go to the store with one condition, he said i should buy it myself.

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On the way there, my mind kept spinning.
Should i just buy it myself since i’m the one who wants it? okay i agreed.

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When we arrived, i hesitated and decided i’d rather buy it later with my sister since we already planned to go that store this weekend.

But the strange part for me was this:

He bought two plushies.
For himself.

Not one for me.
Two for him.

I don’t understand. it may not strange at all idk

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If he had asked me for something i would prioritize him over myself. i would probably buy it for him even if i got nothing. not because i’m forced to but because making him happy would make me happy too.

It wasn’t about the money the plushie was about $8 and he even invited me to a nice restaurant to meet his friend, something definitely more expensive. so it couldn’t be about affordability.

Maybe food is considered more “useful” (since it life necessities) than a plushie.

Or maybe experiences matter more than objects. 

Or maybe i’m being childish.

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He said what i feel comes from unreasonable expectations.

But is it really unreasonable… to want to be given something i asked for?

Especially something small.
Especially something meaningful.
Especially when he clearly could.

Honestly, i would have preferred him buying me that little plushie yesterday, letting me feel seen, and then i could happily return the gesture by paying the restaurant bill. That would have felt like love flowing both ways.

Instead i got neither the plushie nor the feeling of being chosen, just the role of accompanying him somewhere important to him.

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And now i’m left wondering:

Is this about expectations?
Or about effort?
Or about love languages that don’t meet in the middle?

I don’t think i’m crying over a plushie.

I think i’m crying over what it represents.

Still… today was a good day.
But some questions don’t wait for bad days to appear.
They show up quietly even in the middle of ordinary happiness.

Maybe love isn’t supposed to feel easy all the time.
Maybe it’s supposed to feel safe.

And today… i’m not sure which one i felt.