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A Question That Came on a Good Day

Today a question suddenly appeared in my mind. It was actually a good day It’s a fasting month day even though i’m not fasting lol but the atmosphere still felt calm, soft, and warm.  This is my fifth day in a row (with him) together with no space in between, five days of constant presence.  And suddenly it becomes a good week <3 - I once heard people say that  “Love should never feel hard if it feels hard maybe it isn’t love.”  i kind of agree… or at least i want to. So when love starts to feel heavy, i always starting to questioning everything. Something small happened yesterday but it opened an old memory. Two years ago i asked my boyfriend for a plushie, just a plushie (or not 'just'). He couldn’t buy it for some reason and i get it why, soo i bought him one (so i wouldn’t feel guilty for asking) for proofing that not because couldn’t afford it, but because i wanted it to come from him. i wanted to feel chosen, not supplied. - Later, he told me that if i want ...
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TMI FOR TODAY

Today i find myself navigating whilwind of my feeling and emotion caught between something that i cant express, as if my heart and mind are in a tangled web of mixed feeling.

yesterday, despite feeling uneasy about doing something that had been weighing on my mind, and i went through with it this morning, i woke up feeling regretful and overwhelmed i immediately avoided everyone involved and locked myself in my room, seeking solitude and time to process my thought

like there was something that had been buried for a long time trying to take my soul again.

once again, i'm disappointed with myself as if im trapped in an old cycle thats keep repeating 

why is that?

i cant even seem to be as good as the wind and water i once knew.


( i cant insert photo and idk why lmao)




i'm caught in a confusion about whether i should stop everything for something with an uncertain outcome, or if i should keep going and give it a try? 

sometimes, it feels like my life is a never-ending cycle of struggle and misery, where each day blends into the next in a haze of frustration and despair. every effort to break free from this endless loop seems futile, leaving me trapped in a constant state of discontent and weariness. the weight of it all makes even the smallest victories feel insignificant, and i can't help but wonder if this overwhelming sense of being stuck is all that awaits me

have no idea and energy even for pouring out my feeling in writing 

feel terrible and sorry for myself <3

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