The Language I Was Never Given but Chose to Learn

The thought has been lingering in my mind lately

how education is the very first thing that shapes the foundation of a person, like an invisible bridge connecting the past that we never chose and the future that waits quietly to be discovered

since the day i was born, there were already lines drawn, some i could cross, some i could only admire from afar and thats was about many things.

English has always been this foreign, almost unreachable thing in my family, like a language that belonged to another world entirely, a world that felt too far from the one i grew up in

in my family, it was so rare, i could count on one hand who could actually speak english, 

i didn’t come from a home where learning was something we talked about openly, especially when it came about languages.

It felt taboo, almost like it was too much to hope for

i remember feeling this deep sadness about it, the kind that not everyone really know how to name, because who was there to blame? no one. 

my family? or the ones who came before me? they struggled with things i may never have to face, and maybe in their time, survival was more important than dreaming about other languages.

In the place where i grew up, even wanting to learn sometimes felt like too much

but still, i tried. 

Learning english has never been something that came easily to me

it wasn’t just about the words, or the grammar, or the pronunciation

it was about trying to find the will to believe i could even learn it at all. 

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The years have passed, and I am still trying, english, somehow, has brought me to a brighter things, to something i can’t fully explain in words

simply it has given me the chance to talk to people i never imagined i could talk to, to feel connected in a way that once felt impossible.

But a year ago, i felt that spark disappear :(

for the first time, i was ashamed? truly ashamed? of the very thing i was learning

someone kept reminding me, in little ways and big ones, that my english wasn’t enough, that i wasn’t enough 

There are many people who teach me english in various ways, also correct me or encourage me with various variations

(but idk why he made me felt that way?!)

My learning space began to shrink, especially because i was returning into my own country (again), surrounded by my mother language every day

and the progress i had once been so proud of started to feel like it was slipping away, like maybe i was going backward instead of forward

I don’t know if one day i will truly master english the way i hope to, but i want to believe that as long as i keep trying, that is enough

ihope there are people out there who will keep supporting me, who will correct me gently, who will teach me patiently, who will help me become better,

and today for the first time in a long time, i feel that spark again, willing to learn english is back, 

like a quiet promise this journey isn’t over yet (ofcourse i'ts never over lol)